I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
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the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?