[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
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*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
i love meeting boys on tinder
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.