@Reverend_Scott

I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, “Proud parent of your wife’s kid.”

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@YoungFunE

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

@drinksmcgee

I miss the days when I could go and lick my neighbour’s doorknobs without fear.

@jjhartinger

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

@EJGomez

God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
God:
[later]
devil: welcome to hell

@TheDeducers

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

@SatansTongue

Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous
“Obamanible snowman…?”
*obama walks in*
Everything okay joe?
*nervously*
“Uh yeah just fine”

@StinkyGr33n

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

@Average_Dad1

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

@marinhubka

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?