Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
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80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs