I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, “Proud parent of your wife’s kid.”

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I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”


I miss the days when I could go and lick my neighbour’s doorknobs without fear.


If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.


God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
devil: welcome to hell


Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage


Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous
“Obamanible snowman…?”
*obama walks in*
Everything okay joe?
“Uh yeah just fine”


All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”


Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*


Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?