I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast