If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
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Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity
Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest
Me: ok but the ar-
Friend: the armor’s gotta go too
*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*
One guy wrote on his Facebook status: “Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber.”
400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend: “Where did you go in Uber bro, party was in your house.”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?