I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.


Me: im on a quest to lose my virginity

Friend: well, for starters dont call it a quest

Me: ok but the ar-

Friend: the armor’s gotta go too

*i dismount from my horse and stomp metallically off to my room*


One guy wrote on his Facebook status: “Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber.”

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend: “Where did you go in Uber bro, party was in your house.”


OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same


The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.


If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:


At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.


If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?