I wonder if anyone ever tossed a ship in a bottle into the ocean hoping that someone stranded on a desert island would find it and just absolutely lose their shit

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Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”


A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.


If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.


If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.


The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?


went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser


Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.


In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.


Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then