If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
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Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
You know…for fall…
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy