I wonder if anyone ever tossed a ship in a bottle into the ocean hoping that someone stranded on a desert island would find it and just absolutely lose their shit

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When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like


-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?


A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town


Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.


One of the little birds that used to dress me in the morning just asked for a reference letter and it’s like mm don’t fully remember you tho


The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.


Can I get pregnant from looking at a man in another car, at a red light but then quickly looking away when he looks over?


If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”