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I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
when you don’t want to be too vague
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia