*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
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Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.