@DaddyJew

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

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@Contwixt

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

@DrakeGatsby

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

@junejuly12

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

@RorynotRoy

The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might’ve gone to high school with him.

@Marlebean

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

@Tmoney68

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

@Smooheed

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

@wolfpupy

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

@divergentmama

Sunday and Monday would be great names for twins if one was kind of normal and quiet and the other one was pure evil.

@HatfieldAnne

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.