I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

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It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.


[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.


Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”


The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might’ve gone to high school with him.


Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop


Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.


Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy


bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong


Sunday and Monday would be great names for twins if one was kind of normal and quiet and the other one was pure evil.


I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.