I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
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When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My neck my back my allergy attack
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?