I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
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I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws