Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
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Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”