I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

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mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma


I don’t really care who came first, the chicken or the egg.

I’m just glad somebody decided both could be broken and fried.


[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*


Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.


People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.


Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile


Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?


Sometimes I get flustered by waitresses and I say things like “Abso-fruit-ly!” and they laugh like I’m so clever but we both know


My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.