@DanMentos

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

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@dlockw21

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

@Tommytoughstuff

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

@jackiembouvier

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

@JohnLyonTweets

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

@rebrafsim

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

@sofarrsogud

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

@UnFitz

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

@myles_morrison

The guy behind me at the grocery store only had energy drinks, root beer & gummie lifesavers, so I asked how far into assassins creed he was

@trojansauce

[me as a poltergeist]
*replacing the coffee with decaf* ooooOooOooooo