I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
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My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Merica.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.