I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
You Might Also Like
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”