I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
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6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].