i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
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Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I think I’m having a stroke
Hello, my name is Pierre.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.