I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
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“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much