I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

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My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him


As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.


Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.


I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I’m raising them.


Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.


Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face


*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*


If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.


*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive


I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.