Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
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[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers