@sammyrhodes

I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700?s because guys kept checking their treasure maps.

I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700?s because guys kept checking their treasure maps.

- @sammyrhodes

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@JT_IV_

What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?

@fuzzlime

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

@dubstep4dads

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

@DaddyJew

Dentist: do you floss?

Me: do we have to do this?

@thenatewolf

*sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag*

Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby.

Me: (to genie) take his fingers

@djdarrellripley

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

@rantingmd

googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen

@zoeklar

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

@pertyy_

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.