I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
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Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
My beach vacation Google searches
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*