I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
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“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
S O O N
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
How do horror writers compete with current events?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.