Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I’m sorry…what?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
love it when they get my name right
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza