INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I wonder if mirrors every get tired of having their picture taken.
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Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Sorry I’m late, guys. SOMEbody..
*gestures at wife*
told me this knife fight started at..
*sees everyone holding guns*
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.