You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
You Might Also Like
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers