I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
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Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Buck naked
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.