I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
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Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?