I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
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When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Monica just destroyed the internet
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…