I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
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REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
He’s dead
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this