I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
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The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”