@GregHenchman

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

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@TheToddWilliams

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

@too_chihuahua

Dad I’m gay
*Dad rips newspaper*
“WHAT”
I like guys dad
“Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second”

@CaucasianJames

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

@karentozzi

Ten Ways To Tell If Your Kitchen Is Haunted:
1.) Flying forks
2.) Pre-fried eggs
3.) Fridge moaning/wailing
4-10.) Ghosts

@realHamOnWry

A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he’s thinking about something else.

@Dutch_50

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

@SarahB_D

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

@SentenceReduced

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?