I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
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when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10