I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
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I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy