I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: “Oh, bad move, I’d have done it this way…”

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Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.


I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.


Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.


There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.


god: these are humans

angel: how do they work

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…


just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch


The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.