@BlondAmbitionTO

I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: “Oh, bad move, I’d have done it this way…”

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

@RidiculousSheri

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

@dshack8

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

@Jandalize

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

@tweetsbyrocket

god: these are humans

angel: how do they work

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well…

@TweetPotato314

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

@3sunzzz

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.