I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
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[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*