I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
normalize having existential bread
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
True
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
My last name is Zilla.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.