Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
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That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph