If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.
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[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Person: “That’s a beautiful baby.”
Me: “Thanks, I named him after his grandpa.”
Person: “Awe, what’s his name?”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS