@MableGertrude

I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.

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@sarcasticmommy4

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

@BoogTweets

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

@theRealNotJonas

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

@KeetPotato

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

@chuuew

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

@Michael_Erhart

Person: “That’s a beautiful baby.”
Me: “Thanks, I named him after his grandpa.”
Person: “Awe, what’s his name?”
Me: “Grandpa.”

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

@SteveDutzy

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS