@BumpyRIde_

I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

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@gman_kam

When black guys say “ya feel me?”, I literally feel them so they know exactly what level of white I’m operating at.

@_mindflakes

Doctor: We need to double your meds
Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster?
Doctor: We need to triple your meds

@Mardigroan

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

@dreamthievin

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

@tehaveragejoel

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

@RandomAntics

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

@WilliamAder

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

@TheAlexP

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.