When black guys say “ya feel me?”, I literally feel them so they know exactly what level of white I’m operating at.
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
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Doctor: We need to double your meds
Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster?
Doctor: We need to triple your meds
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
This beer told me I could dance.