I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

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When black guys say “ya feel me?”, I literally feel them so they know exactly what level of white I’m operating at.


Doctor: We need to double your meds
Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster?
Doctor: We need to triple your meds


You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.


A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox


Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.


I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.


One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.


*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.