Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
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I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Cats are still liquid.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.