@ThRealBallsDeep

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

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@SarahR_82

Violently swerving ur car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesnt work like it does with humans. Just in case u need to know.

@peteholmes

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

@robfromonline

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

@ValeeGrrl

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

@LostCatDog

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

@Home_Halfway

Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

@Sarcasticsapien

Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.

@iliezabeth

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*