I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

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Violently swerving ur car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesnt work like it does with humans. Just in case u need to know.


train me.
train me.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.


cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there


Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.


I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel


Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question


Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE


Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.


DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*