I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

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*Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: “Who was that, your girlfriend?” *Everyone laughs* NERD: “Nope. It was yours.” *Dead silence*


I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.


the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now


*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”


At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?


Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.


I just want 5 minutes alone with the person who thought it was a good idea to put little plastic stickers on every piece of fruit


Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I’m optimizing code


*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”