If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
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[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Kinda rude of my neighbors to be burning leaves before I had a chance to blow mine into their yard.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
BARTENDER: the usual?
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid