I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
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an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate