I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
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[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.