@JennyJohnsonHi5

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

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@DaddyJew

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

@AnnaKendrick47

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

@MaryJustice86

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

@ClichedOut

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

@junejuly12

Still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about my love note that was passed to the wrong boy in kindergarten.

@space0tter

*Cop yells at dog*
LADY WHAT ARE U DOING
*dog continues to give birth*
THATS IT UR GETTING A TICKET FOR
*looks directly at camera*
LITTERING

@sliver_of

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

@neerjagurnani

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.