@JennyJohnsonHi5

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

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@DanMentos

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

@hell_homer

deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio

@DestryBrod

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

@Underchilde

The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

@MensHumor

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

@RedRegenerated

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

@2tickytacky

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

@bea_ker

[guy bursts into crowded real estate agents]

OK NOBODY MOVE

*from back office*

Aw c’mon man – really? It’s tough enough in this economy.