I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

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“So you met the victim on tinder”
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*


deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio


Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.


The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.


Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.


Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?


Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.


OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.


Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*


[guy bursts into crowded real estate agents]


*from back office*

Aw c’mon man – really? It’s tough enough in this economy.