You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
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In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about my love note that was passed to the wrong boy in kindergarten.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
*Cop yells at dog*
LADY WHAT ARE U DOING
*dog continues to give birth*
THATS IT UR GETTING A TICKET FOR
*looks directly at camera*
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.