Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days.
My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.
A friend that steals your tortilla chips is nacho friend.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.