I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
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Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.