My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
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the last thing a carrot sees
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa