“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
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When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I’m calling the cops.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.