Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
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Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*