I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.

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5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.


*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*


You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.


Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”


The more exclamation marks I use, the more I’m lying: Miss you too girl!!! Yea I’d love to go to lunch!!!!! Sorry something came up!!!!!!!!


Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.


My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.


Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste