@astutenewf

I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.

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@MissHavisham

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

@poutinesmoothie

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

@DevilryFun

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

@PeterKispert

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

@emilylime

The more exclamation marks I use, the more I’m lying: Miss you too girl!!! Yea I’d love to go to lunch!!!!! Sorry something came up!!!!!!!!

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

@DrakeGatsby

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste