You Might Also Like
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.