not to brag, but mine was free
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I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
see you in hell you stupid fruit
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.