i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
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My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Sing it!
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Labreador
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY