@cloudypianos

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

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@better_off_dad

Sorry about your forehead…

…I thought that was clearly a high five moment.

@MelvinofYork

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

@thatdutchperson

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

@bitemynoodle

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

@GeorgeBray

Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. We launch a bird into pigs.

@SocialustGal13

Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. Guess they don’t like random people coming up to their door.

@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

@theshamingofjay

A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

@KentWGraham

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

@ShellHasDragons

If it burns when you pee, you need to be eating less firewood.

It’s science