I wonder what my dog named me.

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Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?


KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious


Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?


My tampon just leaked during my bath and now it looks like I made a tub full of passion fruit tea.


me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!


Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this


What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it


[my 1st day as a getaway driver]
bank robber: [jumps in car] “go go go go”
me: [reaching under my seat] “how do you make the seat go back?”


I don’t wear tight skirts because I’m flirty, I wear tight skirts because they used to fit.

*eats another Oreo*


Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.