[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I wonder what my dog named me.
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A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.
Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
[Breaking News approaches. I squirt it with a spray bottle.]
I hated facial hair at first, but then it grew on me!
When people argue about sports and one says “Care to make it interesting” I assume they’re going to start talking about something else.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!