@SamuelHLowe

I wonder what my dog named me.

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@TheHyyyype

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

@Juven_Naidoo

A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.

@bourgeoisalien

Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.

@simoncholland

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

@BillCorbett

[Breaking News approaches. I squirt it with a spray bottle.]

NO. BAD.

@mikeleffingwell

When people argue about sports and one says “Care to make it interesting” I assume they’re going to start talking about something else.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

@CulturedRuffian

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!