A French press is when you hug naked
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I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Worth the read.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
yeet
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
the pigeons are already plenty salty