him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
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“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Can’t. Being lazy.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho