So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
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I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!