I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
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Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms