@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

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@squirrel74wkgn

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

@iwearaonesie

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

@Caissie

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

@AristotlesNZ

I went to M.C. Hammer’s house once. It was annoying. He won’t let you touch anything.

@bobvulfov

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

@KentTheG

It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.

@dafloydsta

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news