I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Still a very good boi….
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.