[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
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wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
I’m not proud
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I went to M.C. Hammer’s house once. It was annoying. He won’t let you touch anything.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news